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Mental Fumes
Nov. 2nd, 2022 02:36 pmSo I've been running on mental fumes for a long time now and I'm exhausted.
I'm in a situation that feels like nobody understands me. I say I'm exhausted but those around me look at me not really doing anything physically draining and explaining that my mental exhaustion is even more taxing. Life right now is on auto pilot for me because it's how I survive.
My husband and I currently live with my parents and youngest brother. The pandemic brought us here. It was a choice I made though and if feels like I regret it daily. My job ended and while I could have searched for a new one, I decided that I should come home to help family. My parents are not exactly getting younger. My brother who lives here has his own challenges and my other brother lives way too far away to be much help. As the eldest child, I feel it's my responsibility to be here for them as they start to grow old. I wont say it's been easy blending our households because honestly it hasn't. We are starting our 3rd winter here and more than half my personal belongings are stored away, the room we have is not just crowded with our bed, but it still has items in there that are not ours. Anyways, I digress.
It's not always easy here but I am thankful that I can spend the time with my parents as they age. It's rough watching my dad get old especially. He's grumpy and irritable more often than not and there has been tension. He's not easy to please sometimes and anything could be a trigger for him any day. I just do my best to not step on any toes. This does make me seem like a push over but honestly I just choose not to battle ya know? It's really not worth the effort, even if something is bothering me.
My ultimate goal in staying here was to save up to actually own our own place, but the housing market really stinks here. If we managed to save it wouldn't be long in our own home before I felt I'd have to come back to help out. This past winter was a prime example with my dad breaking his hip. I'm at home most of the time and even though he's 100 times better now, my family feels better knowing someone is around if he happens to slip and fall in something as simple as the shower.
Dealing with the family craziness though is a lot sometimes. I'm left feeling like my brain has run a marathon. Hopefully a respite comes soon because I sure need a break.
I'm in a situation that feels like nobody understands me. I say I'm exhausted but those around me look at me not really doing anything physically draining and explaining that my mental exhaustion is even more taxing. Life right now is on auto pilot for me because it's how I survive.
My husband and I currently live with my parents and youngest brother. The pandemic brought us here. It was a choice I made though and if feels like I regret it daily. My job ended and while I could have searched for a new one, I decided that I should come home to help family. My parents are not exactly getting younger. My brother who lives here has his own challenges and my other brother lives way too far away to be much help. As the eldest child, I feel it's my responsibility to be here for them as they start to grow old. I wont say it's been easy blending our households because honestly it hasn't. We are starting our 3rd winter here and more than half my personal belongings are stored away, the room we have is not just crowded with our bed, but it still has items in there that are not ours. Anyways, I digress.
It's not always easy here but I am thankful that I can spend the time with my parents as they age. It's rough watching my dad get old especially. He's grumpy and irritable more often than not and there has been tension. He's not easy to please sometimes and anything could be a trigger for him any day. I just do my best to not step on any toes. This does make me seem like a push over but honestly I just choose not to battle ya know? It's really not worth the effort, even if something is bothering me.
My ultimate goal in staying here was to save up to actually own our own place, but the housing market really stinks here. If we managed to save it wouldn't be long in our own home before I felt I'd have to come back to help out. This past winter was a prime example with my dad breaking his hip. I'm at home most of the time and even though he's 100 times better now, my family feels better knowing someone is around if he happens to slip and fall in something as simple as the shower.
Dealing with the family craziness though is a lot sometimes. I'm left feeling like my brain has run a marathon. Hopefully a respite comes soon because I sure need a break.
